Is My Anger Wrong?

So many clients have asked me, “Is it wrong to feel angry?” In Ephesians 4:26, Paul
wrote, “In your anger, do not sin.” I believe this verse tells us that the emotion of anger is not wrong, but that our words and behaviors when we are angry can be (and very often are). Thus, while it is okay to feel angry, it is not okay to, for example, physically, verbally, or emotionally abuse others.
  
Anger can be positive in that it can motivate us to try to improve a situation. For example, if a person feels his or her personal boundaries have been violated, anger may empower that person to confront another in order to protect themselves and improve the relationship. But often when angry, it can be difficult for a person to confront another in a healthy way.
  
I recommend to people that in times of anger it is good to stop and think before saying or doing anything. This can help prevent an unhealthy outpouring of anger. Sometimes it is enough for people to stop and count to ten in their heads. Other times, they need to physically remove themselves from the situation for a period of time. This is often referred to as a “time out.” While separated from the situation, a person may feel the need to burn off adrenaline that has built and may go for a walk, run, or bike ride. To share one’s feelings with God and a counselor and/or a support person can help release anger and help the person to become more calm. It also provides an opportunity to make healthier choices about what to say or do about the anger-provoking situation.
  
If anger is denied or ignored, it can sit inside a person like a time bomb and can go off in situations unrelated to the cause of one’s anger, often causing harm to others. It can also lead to depression, anxiety, or physical problems such as stomach pain or headaches. Thus, anger needs to be acknowledged and released in safe and healthy ways. Another positive aspect of anger is that it can serve as a signal that something is wrong. It is important to examine what is causing the anger. For example, what emotion is under the anger? Is it pain? Is it fear? One can seek the help of God and a counselor and/or supportive people to help work through pain or fear. If these emotions are not dealt with, anger and unhealthy effects of the anger usually continue.
  
What else may be producing anger? Perhaps it is due to unmet needs or feeling exhausted. Maybe it is due to the way one interprets or perceives a situation. Often a person’s expectations can lead to anger. Sometimes people are angry about things they have no control over. I have also heard people say that their anger is a result of their own pride or selfishness. Others have identified insecurities and low self-esteem as underlying issues. Perhaps one has not forgiven another person and the ongoing anger is controlling him or her as it affects every area of his or her life. By identifying the source of one’s anger, a person can learn what needs to be dealt with to improve his or her life.
  
Remember that the emotion of anger is not wrong and can be helpful to us. We need to be careful so that our anger does not lead us into unhealthy situations. I recommend that anger be acknowledged, controlled, released, understood, worked through, and learned from in order to make positive changes for the future.

___________ _ _ _ __________

 

Andy has been a Licensed Clinical Social Worker at the Meier Clinics in Wheaton, IL, since 1994, counseling individuals, families and couples with a wide range of mental health and relational needs. Andy continues to display his foot bag skills at events, having won a number of championships and world records over the years.

Filters

Daniel 12:4 - "many shall run to and fro, and knowledge shall be increased..."

The Information Age has made it possible for "knowledge to increase" and our God-given ability to take it in efficiently is more important than ever. With the success of the internet, search engines, and mobile devices, we are the first generation in history that is more concerned with filtering out information than gathering it in. We are thankful for the advances in medical and scientific knowledge that have alleviated suffering and provided a better way of life for millions. With advances in technology we have the knowledge of hundreds of libraries literally at our fingertips, on our laps, in our phones! Now, more than ever, the ability to filter and evaluate the information we take in is a critical skill. How do we decide which information to keep and which to ignore? God has created us with a finely-tuned system for taking in very large amounts of information, making meaning of it, and responding to it. We connect and organize the pieces of information we take in and make meaning of them in the form of a narrative or story. For example, if we see a lone person walking along a busy road, we think, "He must have run out of gas," or "He is looking for something," and then if we see a vehicle, we think, "Oh, that must belong to that man," quickly making connections into a narrative. Once we have a story, we are less likely to notice information that does not "fit" and we quickly accept information that supports our story as fact. If I am diagnosed with cancer, suddenly I will pursue information that will help me decide what my story of having cancer is going to be - the very same information I would have filtered out before it became personal. For the most part, our story system of filtering information works well for us.

The most powerful way that we use stories to make sense of large amounts of information is when we tell the story we have constructed about ourselves to ourselves - this is sometimes called self-talk. I call these narratives "identity-stories." God's plan is that we find our identity in a love story, the redemptive story of Christ's love. We are "hidden in Christ," we are one with Him, and we are loved with an everlasting love. In this story, we are his disciples, or "learners." The Apostle Paul makes it clear what kind of knowledge fits with his love story in Philippians 3:8 when he says, "I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord." Holding the story that we are a beloved student of Christ will help us filter out unhealthy, seductive information that tries to tell us we need more, better, faster, younger! The messages of "more, more" just don't fit with the identity-story "I am complete in Him" (Colossians 2:10). In addition, holding the story that we are a "learner" allows for the grace to fail and try again, as Paul describes in Philippians 3:12-14, "Not that I have already been made perfect... But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

Often in this broken world, our identity-stories are based on information we have gathered from abusive or unhealthy relationships instead of from our relationship with God. We may hold the story "I am a bad child/parent/employee/spouse" and quickly our system for organizing information kicks in. We only notice the information that "fits" our negative story and accept it as fact. In these days of increased knowledge, we can quickly be overwhelmed with online quizzes, talk shows and how-to books that confirm our story of "I am not good enough" and depression or anxiety take over. If this describes you, it is important to seek out a trusted friend, pastor or counselor who can help you identify the positive information about yourself - your strengths and worth in Christ - that you have filtered out. It is time to re-author a new story as a disciple, a learner who sometimes makes mistakes, but who is loved by God.

__________ _ _ _ __________

Robin is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in the Bothell, WA Meier Clinic. She enjoys helping people navigate life transitions well, with a special emphasis on Narrative therapy. Her hobbies of off-roading, motorcycling, and snowboarding give her opportunities to practice anxiety management. She celebrates 30 years of marriage this year and is a grandma. For more information about Meier Clinics services, locations, and staff, visit www.meierclinics.com or call 1-888-7CLINIC.

Advantages of Choosing a Christian Counselor

The tagline accompanying the Meier Clinics' logo is "one of the most trusted names in Christian counseling." We take this distinction seriously. While we're open to providing our services to individuals from any religious background, our presentation to the community we serve is uniquely Christian. Many Christians simply assume the importance of going to a Christian counselor when they need help. Ask "why" and you may get a "what do you mean why?" look. Actually, it could be more important at times to find an expert in a specific problem than it would be to make sure they hold shared Christian beliefs. For instance, working with a child psychologist experienced with behavioral methods applied to toilet training could be more important to young parents experiencing this problem, than making sure their therapist is a believer. Exceptions aside, seeking out a therapist who actively lives out their faith as a professional can be important for several reasons. I've outlined a few of them.

Stress Management

Are you stressed? Irritable? Having poor concentration? Difficulty sleeping or sitting still? Experiencing stomach and bowel problems? All of these symptoms and more can be indicators that stress is becoming too high.

 

Life is difficult and stress is unavoidable, but stress must be managed, not eliminated, denied or avoided. Stress can be constructive or destructive depending on how we manage it. Constructive stress allows us to push through difficult challenges like learning a new job, coping with the challenge of a new baby, moving to a new place, or giving a speech-all of which are stressful and a personal growth experience. However stress becomes destructive when it continues day after day, week after week, without a break and an intentional decision to rest, relax or play in some small way. (I call this taking "mini vacations.") Our mind, our body and our spirit will begin to break down.

Happy in Hard Economic Times

Most families have experienced at least some negative effects from the problems related to the economy downfall in the last few years. Some people lost their jobs, others experienced income reduction. These changes are certainly stressful. We seem to earn less and worry more. People may even develop mood and anxiety problems, and families may struggle with an increased number of conflicts due to the increase in stress. What can you do to feel happier and more balanced, even if you or some family members or friends are suffering from stress and worries related to financial problems?

Research shows that Americans on average spend six hours each week shopping. This is one full day every month spent acquiring new material things rather than spending time building new personal and social experiences. Probably, many of us shop for goods that may not even be necessary. In our consumption-driven culture, it becomes easy to blend "I need" and "I want" items. For instance, "I need a car that gets me safely from home to work and back" versus "I want a new red Porche." "I need a reliable cellular phone so that I can get in touch with my family and friends during the day" versus "I need a new IPhone, with the pink case." Our list of needs is typically not that long and includes items that are related to our survival, basic comfort, and sense of being loved and appreciated. Needs is about wanting to have "some of." Our "wants" list is potentially endless since it's about wanting more, bigger, newer, or better, not just "some of."